He couldn't find his gloves, so he pushed me into the car bumper and told me, "You failed me completely. Where the fuck did you put them!?" It was my fault he was having a miserable night & I was such a piece of shit he wasn't taking me home.
In front of everyone.
don'tstartthispleasenottonight.
People just laughed it off. I found his gloves where he told me to put them. His ego raged,
"Maybe you should fucking watch where you put things, not just be stuck in the fucking clouds all the time." He shoved me away again. That was his favourite sign of affection through out the night, shoving me in the opposite direction of his intended path.
One of the girls tells me all the time she doesn't get why I put up with him, I don't deserve it or something. I'd tell her if I walked out he'd grab my hair and throw me to the ground. Fling my possessions at my head trying to hit me dead on. But I won't, that's not what nice girls do.
Nice girls smile and stay quiet. Nod and agree. If you don't listen you will learn your place one way or another, so why bother. She's too pretty and special for that, though, so I just smile and say it's not so bad. She wouldn't get it even if I told her..
I lost myself in the cold, while he wandered, stumbling onto the stage with the performing artist. I lost myself in the sea of bodies. Bare hands and visible breaths. Leggings and boots. Cigarettes and alcohol stained bottles. People flowed around me. A small body of movement in the dark wilds of Indiana. I lost myself in the glittering universe above. Dizzy and light. So many faces smiled at me.
Hello,I'm so&so. [handshake.]
Hi, I'm someone else tonight.
I'msogoodatthisit'sscary.
My disco dazzle nail polish shining in the lights flashing off the stage. My toes frozen inside my shoes. I felt infinite. I danced so hard my body hurt. I danced until I almost fell. I danced until he came up and stopped right in front of me, in front of everyone in the crowd.
I smiled and waved at him.
Ishouldhaveknownbythewayhewasglaringatme.
"Fuck off, you goddamn bitch you heard me, I said fuck straight off." He glowered at me, his nostrils growing larger with each breath in and out.
"What?" I can feel everyone staring.
I told him to tell you to come on stage, you said no. I saw you. FUCK YOU, you selfish cunt." [Later that night, a.k.a. earlier this morning he'd say he didn't say anything mean, and that maybe I should have paid attention to him more than myself...oh, I forgot.]
Our friends just looked at me with mouths open.
I felt so small. I could feel every inch of my non-wanted existence, and felt the need to mute all of it at once. I felt his eyes bore straight inside of me. I wanted to throw up. So I said, "I'm sorry." not knowing what else to reply with. He snarled, "Fuck I bet you are, you're staying here, I don't want you."
But I thought you said love.. But I thought that smile was for me. No, that smile was for the mess of a reality his medicine had produced in his head. I bit my lip til it bled so I wouldn't cry. He walked up to the stage to go dance with the promoter, all three of them followed, his friend telling me "Don't worrryyyy, he's just drunk." I smiled, "Of course." Marching ants.
Car rides are always long after. Longer when your heart's being squeezed so tight you can't breathe. One second he's saying he loves me and putting his hand near me on the way home in the car, reaching from his front passenger to my back seat slipping his fingers around the beginning of my thigh. I take that as a hold my hand sign, so I wrapped my fingers around his. He dug his nails into the under sides of my fingers clutching his as hard as he could, pushing mine away quickly, his hand landing on my knee. His middle finger out and prominent. Eyes meet. Furrowed brows.
I want to open the car door.
He points right at me, silently flipping me a blatant fuck you again before withdrawing into his seat, mouthing words to his friend I can't hear.
I'm floating into some where else..
His friend staring straight at the road singing to the radio, nodding and laughing.
I want to fall onto the road.
I want my skin to rip off on the pavement.
I want my bones to crush and I want to fade away.
I want nothing more than to be invisible, because invisible is better than being bruised in public.
The truth is I've never lied to to the one who listens to me.
And the truth is, I just haven't ever told him the whole truth.
Not that I ever tell anyone..
And the truth is..
.......I want to tell him so bad.
He keeps asking.
I wish I wasn't so good at lying.
