Something's Gone Terribly Wrong..

There's a soft hum of regret.
I crawl into the back of mind, curling under thoughts of that us.
It hasn't left me yet.
I can still hear your voice asking me that question.
Snow reflects that first I love you.
The cold makes me whisper your name.
I wake up in a twisted bundle of sweat and screams while the moon spills over my memories.
I hope you'll remember.
It's so hard to go forward when I want nothing but to recede into the sea.
I can't shake this fog that clouds everything.
It's so much clearer when I sleep.


I thought I had you figured out.

Look this way.

I can't escape these haunting dreams.
You ignoring me abruptly and my fidgeting is relentless as I pretend I don't notice.
I'm so busy, there are so many other people.
I hear your name daily, I held back so many things..
You stopped hearing me too soon...
It was beautiful...
I know I can't ask anything of you because I let you down..
But it was so lovely to know you...
when you pretended I mattered.

The Longest Shadows Ever Cast

I could see the outline of the sun behind the green of the leaves spotting shade on my face.
I could see you focusing on something in your hands, sitting on a makeshift seat, squinting your eyes as you tried to understand.
There was a warmth in the air that swallowed me whole, and a sweet smell of earth.
People bustled about, paying no mind to me as if I was merely a ghost. I began to move my feet steadily and found myself deep within the trees until I came to the top of a leaf covered cliff. 
I remember running past the blurs of coloured branches. There was a rush of blood and a zig-zagging of trees.
I remember your hands pulsing through the air with momentum, and light trodden footsteps following my own. 
Leading you on a never ending chase. I remember your intense dark eyes and furrowing brows.
Your thick silence that made me reach for something inside of myself that seemed to be missing.
An odd silence that held my attention, as strongly as you seemed to neglect my own, in an overly nonchalant kind of way.
Where is this leading to? I hear myself ask in my head. I feel my body only from above and see the way it pushes up an incline, sitting at the very top, under shadows of shrubbery. 
So where did you go?
I watch myself sit alone and realize your circling ever so slowly. 
I think of how I should have said those words, but what words were those again?
The ones I don't understand how to translate into spoken language.
But if you had forgotten why would you still watch me like that?
If you had forgotten why do you keep silently slipping into my unconscious, leaving cryptic messages only to acknowledge me absentmindedly later?

Just because you have ammo doesn't mean you should shoot the gun.

"You're the most annoying person I've ever met.
I can't stand you anymore, no one I know would put up with your bullshit and everything."


I can't stand me anymore.
My dreams haunt me through out the day and I can't shake them.
They're the only time I feel real. 
Not too much of a girl, overflowing onto an over critical world where no matter what she does it's still not good enough for you.
Because pursuing my career seems a bit ironic to me when I'm disappearing too slow as it is.
It's so hard to stay warm when the cold is coming from within.
Meeting outside forces and crushing my very existence into a huge doubt.

Paint the black hole blacker..

I wonder if I enter your dreams still.
The way you haunt mine.
The way we're always in the forest, how we're always running towards something greater, and unknown. 
The way those dark eyes are analyzing my facial expressions. 
Those large hands that scrawl out sketches, quick and thick.
I wonder if you absolutely despise me, I wonder if you're focusing on the wrong points as I am.
As we do so often to each other.
My gap rips open more daily, you're name repeats it self slowly, quietly, in my head, forever on repeat.
So quietly, as if I say it too loudly you'll never come back.
Maybe you won't anyway. Maybe I finally did what I really didn't want to do with you, of all people.
Maybe you're laughing, drunk with some pretty thing that is rich enough, well enough, to be with you.
I wonder if I just showed at your door what you would do.
But I'd need an address for that.
Silence produces no dates, or times, or places; it produces haunting images of you, saying things that I never answered the right way - infuriating you.
I wish I had someone to babble endless metaphors to, I wish you were still here.
Love ruins everything.
So I'll sit here, scrawling silently in my numerous journals, chalk full of stories, and poems, and letters to no one. Illustrations of inhibitions and plant life.
I'll breath in this cold, with no hope of warm words.
I'll numb my brain and my body because if you're gone, I've got nothing to lose.
I don't understand what I was holding on to, maybe the thought if I saved you from her you'd still stay, but we're the same & you can't see the difference.
What's stopping you?
The only question you proposed that swims into every waking moment of my day.
The fact that this is all too complicated and you deserve better & I did the good thing by you.
But I want to be selfish.
I want to have you.
I want to lose myself in those woods with you.
Drink out tea.
Slip into the sea and get lost between the horizon and the stars.


I've got nothing to lose....

Holding on for dear life.

'Are you?' He asks.
I can't imagine what the words were that he just sent towards me. Excuse me?
'You holding on for dear life over there?' Trailing off as I held both my wrists with both my hands. 
Making sure I wasn't floating away. 
Solid.
Secure.
Anchored down, if only physically to these bones.
There was some discussion and laughter interchanged in the warm salty air.
My tongue tastes like blood. 
Previous drunk and long nights full of talking too much leads to the biting of lips and the tongue nervously, without noticing until the blood is seeping in. 
Spreading the taste of old dirty pennies between my minuscule taste buds.
I forget what my voice was saying.
So I forget what he's referring to once again. 
I'd be a better ghost if only I was invisible.
I drowned my vessel in tea and water.
He keeps shooting me odd looks.
I keep listening to the wrong voices.


The silver diet sprite can, sits bluntly on the table, bubbling away, hissing softly. Blue dotted snowflake designs sprinkled on the background.
Winter time; time for Holiday[s] cheer. 
More beer.
More fights.
More too many close calls on his part.
This winter won't be proper.
I hear questions of my return to Eastern sea-lands.
I don't have answers.
I wish I did.
I wish I had infinite dates of anything and everything, all through out the pine encrusted mountains.
I'm slipping between here and floating just out of reach.
I keep forgetting my cues and people think I'm an airhead, if they don't know me, or a stuck up bitch.
But I just don't want to say the wrong thing.
The crazy thing.
The thing about staring into the black abyss of the ceiling every night and praying that shadow that keeps flickering in the side of your eye will go away.
The white light that is too low to be a window light leak.
Because when you look again it's gone. 
But they're there, slinking in the day light, too.
You're really just thinking too much, too fast.
S l i p p i n g.


Hazy days with black spotted wings covering my eyes.
Oh, these iridescent lies.