Paint the black hole blacker..

I wonder if I enter your dreams still.
The way you haunt mine.
The way we're always in the forest, how we're always running towards something greater, and unknown. 
The way those dark eyes are analyzing my facial expressions. 
Those large hands that scrawl out sketches, quick and thick.
I wonder if you absolutely despise me, I wonder if you're focusing on the wrong points as I am.
As we do so often to each other.
My gap rips open more daily, you're name repeats it self slowly, quietly, in my head, forever on repeat.
So quietly, as if I say it too loudly you'll never come back.
Maybe you won't anyway. Maybe I finally did what I really didn't want to do with you, of all people.
Maybe you're laughing, drunk with some pretty thing that is rich enough, well enough, to be with you.
I wonder if I just showed at your door what you would do.
But I'd need an address for that.
Silence produces no dates, or times, or places; it produces haunting images of you, saying things that I never answered the right way - infuriating you.
I wish I had someone to babble endless metaphors to, I wish you were still here.
Love ruins everything.
So I'll sit here, scrawling silently in my numerous journals, chalk full of stories, and poems, and letters to no one. Illustrations of inhibitions and plant life.
I'll breath in this cold, with no hope of warm words.
I'll numb my brain and my body because if you're gone, I've got nothing to lose.
I don't understand what I was holding on to, maybe the thought if I saved you from her you'd still stay, but we're the same & you can't see the difference.
What's stopping you?
The only question you proposed that swims into every waking moment of my day.
The fact that this is all too complicated and you deserve better & I did the good thing by you.
But I want to be selfish.
I want to have you.
I want to lose myself in those woods with you.
Drink out tea.
Slip into the sea and get lost between the horizon and the stars.


I've got nothing to lose....